I get asked this question all the time. So, What made you be poly? Or this one, Why are you poly? The simple answer is , its who I am. I don’t have limited resources of love and commitment. I have the capacity to openly love more than one person at a time and it feels great to do so.
The long answer goes like this.
About 15 years ago, my brother was involved with a situation that cost him his marriage. No it wasn’t a cheating escapade. But his wife of the time thought it was. She didn’t trust easily, and had other problems that limited her ability to be a rational person at times. (‘Im trying to be as nice as I can here). Having seen this explosion of mistrust, and harmful behavior almost destroy my brother and tear his family apart, it was obvious we never wanted to experience that in our lives. So, Melissa came to me and said ” Hey i never want to have to worry about where you are or who you’re with. If you see someone your interested in go for it. We are adults we can work it out.”
We sat down and drafted our first set of rules. they were limiting and controlling and based in fear of emotional pain. They also assured mutual destruction “If I can’t ____ then you cant ____ either. ” They were messy and horrible and all around caused more problems than they were worth.
After a while, we ditched them all together and went commando, lawless, rule free. That wasn’t pretty either . Neither one of us had the skill set to be as open as we were trying to be. When something would happen that caused jealousy, we didn’t know how to work through it. We would blame the other and not accept our own part in the reaction. We didn’t know how to talk to each other about it rationally. There was no community where we were and we had no support. we were all alone. At the time we had no idea there was a word for what we were doing. We felt alone, strange, and awkward.
Then we met someone we both liked and it was good, no GREAT! _____was, and still is to this day, an amazing person. She loved us both. She was our unicorn. And it was beautiful. We dated for a little over a year, the three of us together and separate. Doing things as a group was good, as individuals was good, we were happy. But as it does, life happened and _____got married and moved overseas for like 8 years! Our relationship ended for the time . we still talked and chatted occasionally. Melissa more so than me. Now shes back in the states with her hubby and things are friendly among us all.
Now in that time of 8 years while ____ was gone we searched high and low for someone ANYONE that could replace her. Yea that was bad MKAY. We were miserable. Sure there were highlights and good times but there was never another _____And now I have learned there wont ever be another ____. She is unique and basing all relationships off of that one will ensure only one thing, they will fail. I have learned that each relationship is unique and individual to those in it.
After learning that lesson over and over it finally sank in and we moved on. a few years went by and there weren’t any real relationships to speak of. a Date here a date there hook up at a con. But nothing serious, Util I met Jeremy. Jeremy and i met at DuckStock, a 21+ alternative lifestyle event through a mutual friend. We hung out a lot that weekend and really clicked. I thought “WOW this guy is cool! I bet Melissa would like him too.” So I called her before I left and told her all about him, and how I thought shed like him. She laughed and said, ” Not likely you have bad taste in guys for me.” LOL Little did she know at the time I picked a winner!
Jeremy met Melissa about 3 months later at a con called Play On Con in Birmingham AL. See Jeremy lived in Montgomery at the time we met. So there we all were hanging out talking enjoying the time together. We spent the weekend being a great group of new friends. On the way home i asked M what she thought of Jeremy. She said ” He’s nice and cute but I dont think he likes me” … Well we talked about that all on the way home.
Months go by until Santa Con, a pub crawl of Santas . Yes its as awesome as it sounds. We were hanging out and who shows up, Jeremy. We all are talking and hanging out. I go off to do Santa songs with the group. The two of them hung back and talked and got to know about each other a bit better. then they started making out and cuddling. It was so cute. We invited J to the house the next weekend for a new years / double birthday party. He hasn’t left yet! LOL That was lie going on 6 years now.
Things have been fairly quiet on the dating scene since then. I went out with a few people but nothing serious happened for a while. I wanted something serious. As Jeremy and Melissa grew closer together. Our relationship started out as a triad for sure we all did everything together. In more recent time it seems that we are growing more into a V configuration. And thats ok because relationships change. So I started back up on OK Cupid and checking my matches and got an interesting hit about a year ago now.
It was a couple profile but we had like a 98% match or something ridiculous. So, intrigued I dug in and started reading. They looked like a cute couple. Just starting out in the poly waters. they had been together a long time. I messaged them and started a conversation. we chatted back and forth a couple times and I invited them to a meetup of our local poly group so they could 1 see others that live this life and 2 so we could meet. From the moment I laid eyes on them i felt a connection. Lie a long time standing connection. That has only happened a handful of times in my life. We spent the next 2 hours chatting and laughing and trying to figure out where we knew each other from. They had the same feeling I did. We had met SOMEWHERE before. But no lines could be drawn to connect us. We didnt have mutual friends, we didn’t have common hang out places. It was really weird. Lindsey and Brian and I hit it off real well. I was interested in dating Lindsey but I saw the oppurtunity to make a new friend with Brian.
We talked a lot wen on group outing together had coffee almost weekly for the first few weeks then slowly Lindsey and I started taking more alone trips and dating more one on one. There have been bumps in the road and there have been struggles . However I wouldn’t trade a moment of it for anything. It has really been a positive and healthy relationship. We have both grown as individuals in a positive way. . I hope we have many more years of dating together. Currently we have a V style where Lindsey is the hinge between Brian and I . Brian and I talk and hang out on occasion.
So that’s my poly story up to this point. Granted this is the readers digest version. There so much more that goes on but I just don’t have the time to put it all down. Maybe one day I can right a book.