Lindsey and I went into my room to talk. I shared with her my breakthrough. I couldn’t hold back the tears any longer. I cried hard. I told her how my asking to cook breakfast was an opportunity for group interaction. And how it let me down that they knew I was out in the kitchen working hard for them and I wasn’t thought of. (or so it felt) . She apologized then congratulated me on my breakthrough. we held each other and I cried some more. I told her I needed to tell DOug about my feelings, He too deserved to know what was going on. Its the responsible honest ethical thing to do. Lindsey then shared with me that Doug had mentioned to her, that he thought , I was going to need some reassurance today and that she should be prepared for that. That told me he cared about my well being. That was a huge turning point for me and it gave me some courage to do the next part. [Learning Note: Its ok to be scared.]
So we went into the dining room. I sat down nibbling on a few pieces of bacon. I knew I needed to eat something. Then it happened. I just started talking. I was scared. Terrified is a better description of my emotional state. Pouring out all my thoughts and the realization that I had come to. I wanted the opportunity to be Doug’s friend. I felt that I was being neglected and that normal behaviors were being forgotten . That I needed to be cared about and cared for. That I apparently had a need to know and connect with possible metamours . I shared that if I was understanding if that was not a shared feeling and I could learn to do without that connection. However that would be very difficult for me . Doug added “Especially if that situation is occurring in your home and space right in front of you. ” He gets it…. He understands my need. They listened, and empathized with me. Lindsey and he held my hands at one point. We shared thoughts on inclusion and friendship. The importance of each of us to have a connection with the other, on honesty and feelings, vulnerability. We laughed at how silly some of this was on the surface. But how in reality these are the things that build connections and grow relationships. [Learning Note: Being Vulnerable while terrifying, is a form of the greatest honesty we can share with others.] We reveled in the growth and personal strength that this created. The positive aspect of the conversation. How expectations, however small can snowball into an emotional roller coaster and nightmare. How I wanted to respect them and their privacy. At one point we got up to get some water (because we had only been drinking coffee this entire time. ) and Doug and I embraced in a hug. [Learning Note: When in an emotional conversation keep lots of water handy…. You will need it. ] We chatted for a while and I checked the time. It was time for them to leave for yoga. 10:30. But instead of packing up to leave they chose to stay. I almost begged them to go because I didn’t want to be the reason they didn’t go. We acknowledged that time was an issue. Doug had to be on the road no later than 3 ish to be back home at a decent hour as well as the had already made plans to be home in time to see the eclipse with his home poly family. Yoga would have them back at 1 they would obviously want some time alone before he left. and I would not get any time to explore a friendship. other than this emotional vomit session. [LEARNING NOTE: Expectations of time spent should be definite and fully explored and communicated with all PRIOR to the visit.] With a little more discussion we all agreed we would like to hang out as a group. We sat on the couch, the three of us, holding each other. Spoiling Lindsey in the process as she was squished between Doug and I… You should have seen the look on her face… I didnt know a smile could be that big. I felt happiness for her. I looked to Doug he too was happy and this made me even happier. YAY Compersion. I’m starting to feel better. My needs were expressed, heard, validated, and honored. What more can we ask for as human beings?
The next step in our conversation was to discuss what a friendship would look like and how we start formulating that. For me its just the spending time together . Having a shared experience in a positive manner. They both agreed that it is the same for them. We decided to spend the afternoon together, to go get ice cream at the local Scoop Shop and then hit the local gaming store. It was a plan. [Learning Note: WHen you communicate your expectations to those who have the opportunity to do something about it, be prepared to follow through when they say , “YES Lets do that. ” ]
So we set out. I offered to drive. We rode around played Ingress and spent time just hanging out. Talking about relationship stuff but in a light and intellectual way. That lead to good conversations about styles and universal relationship structures, thoughts and our own relationship styles and issues. At one point, Doug opened up about some of the struggles he has faced in his Poly Journey. Sharing emotional situations and discovery of his own. We were trusting each other to share and be vulnerable. This is more growth and building a foundation on which a friendship can grow.
We went to the game store and got all geeky and nerdy over games. We shared our favorite games. Talked about different game systems and what our next game purchases would be. Time was running out. Doug picked out some games he was wanting to buy and we headed to the checkout. Homeward bound.
We got home and it was nearly time for Doug to leave. I went in the kitchen to get a drink and, out of habit, looked down the hall to Lindseys room. I saw she and Doug looking at each other, in an embrace. and they glowed with happiness. I smiled turned and walked back the other way thinking ” I hope they kiss hard and like it.” This thought made me happy, and excited. MORE COMPERSION!
So what did I get out of this? All this experience and emotional struggle and hard conversations? I learned what I need from potential; metamours. I learned I can be open and honest early on and things will be much easier. To communicate expectations EVEN IF I think my partners and I are on the same page . I learned that no matter how long you are poly, issues still happen and to think that you will be ok just because you’ve been going this for a long time is naive and unhealthy. Polyamory is an ACTIVE relationship choice . and by that I mean you are always working on some aspect of the relationships.
I think I’m gonna be ok with this… It was a hard weekend but it was TOTALLY WORTH IT> AM I 100% healed? No it will take days for the emotions to sort out and get a full understanding of the impact of what happened. Maybe even weeks. This ain’t over! #polyprocessing
Thank you Doug and Lindsey. You are amazing people who helped me get through this hard time. I love you both.