Dreaming.

I was on a military/government installation of some kind.  One un restricted to the public.  I was turning in some piece of news or an article to the news org that was in the building.  It would take some time for them to get it approved.   I was there with friends.  I was sitting in a chair and a woman came up and said it looked good.  She was very happy to have the piece and would get it up to the editor asap.  Meanwhile I could go hangout and wander around the grounds.

SO my friends and I went outside.  There were military folks everywhere. all in uniform… (so was I thinking about it) some in dress uniforms others in ACU camos, some in PT gear.  I noticed one of my friends standing next to a vehicle talking to someone.  SO I wandered over.  and next thing I know we are doing PT Drills.  Singing old Marine Corps chants and drill songs.

That’s when it hits me who this person was… My old step-dad.. My abuser.  The man who did so many awful things to me as a child I celebrated the day I read his name in the obituaries.  I was actually HAPPY he was dead because he could not hurt another living soul.   He no longer had power to inflict new damages and pain on anyone.  He truly was the one person on the face of the Earth I hated with a passion.  The things he did to us as kids were unspeakable and horrendous.  Physical, mental, emotional and sexual abuse existed in my childhood.  You name it it most likely happened in some traumatic fashion.

He has been dead a long time.  I last saw him when I was about 9 years old.  Almost 30 years ago… so why now?  WHat was this dream telling me?

Back to the dream.   I left the area immediately after realizing who this guy was. I mad e an excuse and ran off.   ( Like I would when I was a child and I didn’t want to see him)  I watched with my friends from a distance as this man started talking to a boy, about 8 years old.   Now I don’t know if that was me seeing myself or if it was a different boy my brain conjured up….  I felt that pit of despair in my stomach, I just knew where this was going to lead. SO I went and found a police officer, told him what was happening and my feelings on where it was going to lead.  They entertained me and drove me to this guys house. (Apparently they knew him)
Upon arrival I see a three story white tower with only one window at the top and one door at the bottom.  It was an elevated structure with parking underneath. Something you would find in a coastal area. (I grew up on the gulf coast. near the beach). Very similar to this lighthouse.  The Police officers said,  “Well this is an impenetrable Ivory brick tower. Not sure what you want us to do from here.”

Lighthouses of France

Lighthouses of France

My brain was racing, “Lob tear gas in that window till he comes out the bottom.”  They laughed.  The feeling of dread returned as I knew there was nothing they would do…   I woke up feeling scared completely terrified.

I barely spoke to Melissa before leaving the house.  I shared that I had a bad dream but that was all I could say. It was like he had power over me again.  After all these years he still had power to make me afraid and to continue to hurt me. But HE”S DEAD!!!!!  I keep telling myself that it was just a dream… But its hard to get up and move, harder even to talk to anyone.

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