All this time I kept saying to myself, “I’m just an ally stay out of it give them space” ” Support their message.” “Give way and let their voices be raised louder than any other. ”
See as a fairly hetero-normative presenting person, it was easy for me to not see the problem here. For most of my life, I have been fairly open about who I am to certain people, circles of friends and communities that I feel safe in. Because even with all my privileges and status in society, I am still afraid of rejection and harm.
I have stayed silent.
But I cant anymore. In a conversation with a FB friend I was brought to tears by my own sexuality and self shame. I am a queer person. I am a Poly, Kinky, Bisexual man who loves openly and honestly.
I have been seething for days. I have felt rage building, depression filling in, I haven’t wanted to leave the house, I have been very combative on Facebook about various different issues I feel are important. but I have always given way to the voice of the persons i saw more closely affected to this than I was.
Then it hit me……I present so hetero normative that my rage in this whole unbelievably horrific act against the community is silenced by both sides. I feel ignored and shut down. It sucks. I feel that If I say anything I’m “tone policing” I’m telling people to “Be nice”. I’m so sick of shutting myself out of the conversation because I am a male, hetero-normative presenting person. I dont belong. I cant be a member of the community of Straight people , cause Im not. I cant be a queer person cause I “look too straight” Im alone and it sucks.
In that conversation on Facebook, my friend recognized me as part of the community. I lost it. In tears I am still emotional about it now. For once, someone outside of my immediate community, a person of the queer community that I respect, a person who has helped me grow and evolve my thinking broke down a wall. Thank you A.
I am Queer. I am a Bisexual, Poly, Kinky, Guy. My voice is important too. And if to no one else, it is important to me. And maybe some of you already knew this. But I have to say it. I have to accept this identity and be open about it. I cannot stay scared safe anymore.
I was allowing my own erasure from society by staying in the closet. I never really came out of it. I just added on. It was small but then I found others like me and to stay safe, I only knocked out the back wall and added room to the closet. I was only allowing what I wanted others to see be shown. What was safe. Fuck Safe. In the words of one of my childhood heroes, “I YAM what I YAM! “