Folks, It has been too long and I’ve been too quiet. I have been withholding a lot of stuff out of the fear that someone else may be hurt by what I have to say. I don’t intend to harm anyone. But I really don’t have a good outlet for what I am going through other than this blog.
This withholding of information goes directly against my personal and ethical belief of transparency and honesty at all times, but especially in times of hardship and struggle. We like to share the good with our friends, neighbors, and followers, but all to often we hide the not so good out of fears. Sometimes that fear is shame of the situation, other times we are coerced by fear to protect someone else’s feelings. Neither of these are ok in my system. Allowing this to happen undermines my own value system and causes greater problems for me than just owning the crap that is going on in my life.
Don’t hear me wrong however, my intention is not to deliberately cast shade to another person. I truly am going through some stuff and I feel I don’t have anyone to talk to about it. And hey, random internet people have probably been through this or a similar situation and may be able to offer me support, answers to any questions I have, or even just an ear to listen.
Like about 50% of the American population I am currently in the midst of a Divorce. Yep we are at “separation level”. Many of you may have already known this from previous posts I made. But there it is. I know many of you may be saying ‘ Eh it’s a divorce, what’s the problem, these happen all the time’ .
The act of separation and divorce isn’t really the problem. I am logical in accepting in the descision that we agreed to. We both have grown in different ways. We still care about each other and love each other in a way that I can’t explain. We are co-parenting our child in the same house with our existing partners… Like nothing has *really* changed, except for our joint identity.
Well, recently it has become evident to me that being married to this one person for half of my life has given me an identity that I now have to separate from. Not only the person that is leaving this part of my life, but now I have to lose a part of myself that I have had for this long. That’s deep stuff right there.
Attempting to accept this separation of the relationship and separation with self identities is where I am currently struggling. The joy she shares with other used to be the joy WE shared with others. The trips to visit friends , used to be OUR trips. The things she does alone , are all things WE did together. But now I find I am home alone when she goes to do these things.
For some things, it is my choice not to be there, for others it’s not even asked if I would like to go. I miss the US things. Those things WE did. I find myself having a real hard time accepting that WE don’t exist as a concept or construct anymore. ANd I think it’s more the latter…. a construct.
This seems to be the biggest point. Society puts so much value on a person based on their relationship status. Society is hierarchical in treatment, acceptance, and value based solely on what your marital or relationship status is. The more “committed you are” the more ” accepted you are” and this is where I have a great deal of problems with societal relationship scripts.
Everyone has value. Every, single, individual person has value . Once more for those in the back, EVERYONE; EVERY, SINGLE, INDIVIDUAL, HUMAN BEING, HAS VALUE. We have placed so much on the value of people as a unit and ability to provide offspring, and contribute to society as a couple , that I think we are losing that individuality that make relationships so wonderful the people in them.
My first struggle is losing that “couple identity” that I had with this person for half my life. I don’t know how to be single. I never was. Part of me is wondering what I missed out on as a single person. I wonder where I may be and who I may have become had I not gone the way I did. Not with regret, but curiosity. I am very happy with my choices and the person I have become. Including the ones that have lead me to this blog post.
Secondly, we developed an identity with another person as a triad. We all formed a relationship with interpersonal feelings and connections. I am losing that as well. As the other members of the triad are continuing their relationships on without me in that. And there is likely some envy of that deep down inside somewhere. But I do not at all have bad feelings for them. Infact, I wish them great happiness together. They are very happy together.
My current live in partner, and also fiance’, and I are very intentional and direct. The two of us discuss things and make plans based on how each of us want to live as individuals. Not as “we” want to live as a couple. Each of us are building support for our individual needs and the needs of our relationship. These needs may be and often are separate things . As individuals our needs are not the same thing as the needs of the relationship, and that is an important part of it. Knowing what the individual needs are so the relationship can flourish. This was not the case with my previous relationship that is now ending. In the previous each of us took a LOT for granted and assumptions were made based on a lot of societal scripts.
We started our relationship with the ideals of individual first, including the right to self-determination, self-autonomy, and non-hierarchy. We hold transparency, respect and honesty in high regard. And through conversation, neither of us have indicated that we would like that to change anytime soon. It is definitely challenging but also very rewarding. And this is much more inline with my value system than the other relationships I have had.
My identity crisis, as I am calling it now, means that I have to unlearn all this behavioral crap and societal scripting that was built up over 20 years of being with this same person and learning how to relate to them in a totally different way. WHILE at the same time, unlearn what it was to be a triad and what this means for my Polyamorous identity.
I need to learn to let go of that “us” and accept that she is she and I am me. And that they are they and I am me. Each of us is an individual with feelings, and ability to move through this emotional rollercoaster in different ways and as much as it hurts, and as nice as we are to one another…
at least for the foreseeable future, there is no more WE, as there was.